Recently I had thoughts about starting a blog again , so I decided to look up my old blog and while I was never very faithful in writing it , it did cover what looking back was an important part of my life , Or perhaps its what is not written that is the key . When bad things happen to you , its your decision who to share with to not in this case . Certainly events where not something to be shared publicly on a blog . Even is no one reads it or people are nameless faceless people hiding behind a computer screen . In this case it wasnt mine to share though so much pain was mine .
over 2years since i was last here , clearly a lot of updates and I cant make head or tale of much of it . Why do we often want to start new , as if the past never happened , its the past that makes me who we are today , How I handled it , where was God on my journey or more to the point where did I allow him to be . Well he has been so faithful to me and I have clung on for dear life to him like a sailor thrown into the stormy sea , often holding on by nothing more than a rope – I have no idea if i will start a new one , continue here or work out how to delete it – its been 2 years – no rush .
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I am actually excited. For ever so long I have struggled with God’s plan for me . I believe that we are all called to help further the kingdom to blatantly pinch a well known phrase.
Some of us are called to ministry , some to youth work, missionary work , the list goes on as do the gifts he gives us . Prophesy and tongues are obvious gifts but it could be God has given you a sympathetic and kind heart and a listening ear.
A talent for music , a lovely singing voice sadly doesnt appear to have been given to me , ironically a real love for both has at times felt a bit of a downer . But recently God has been using both to administer healing to me , through listening and singing in my church praise band ( background lol). Not only that but i have found him “giving” me a song because it has a message for me and this is being backed up with the scripture – A friend texting me the scripture , picking up my Bible and opening at the right place , a daily devotional –
I need to stress that this is not about me listening to a song and loving it because I love worship music , more important its about worshiping God . To bathing in his glory through worship and listening to each word and focusing on him . but when its meant for me there is a connection that I dont have when its something I like .
5 years of troubles seemed to be coming to a end , then a blip almost at the beginning of the year , it felt like a battle .
I have been challenged or should I say I have challenged myself after reading
I think it says everything that can be negative about religion and very little about Christ – Jesus came to save us to give us the chance of everlasting life , of spending eternity with him .
But he also put in place examples of how we should live our lifes till that day comes – We arent meant to sit on our butts , twiddling our thumbs, nor are we meant to build big lovely churches and then sit on a Sunday patting ourselves on our backs thinking how wonderful we are for our wonderful God .
He came and he got down in the gutter with us all and thats where he wants us – continuing his work on earth . Ministering to those in need , opening our arms and hearts to the down and out .
The story above is about a perfect little church not wanting anything to disrupt or ruin their perfect little world- How Jesus weeped over this . What does it say to the greater community , to those who think Christians sit in there amazing churches while people suffer with their doors closed.
And what does it say about me , what do I do to follow his work , what witness am I and what can I do to make a difference ?
The past while or quite a long while I have being doing what I can , when I can .Been a lot of bed days and days where I have been in the pretend world of everything is normal . But after such a long time of nothingness this is good.
I have accepted that I have been left with depression , I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks . And Im trying to ditch the guilt . Guilt of what has has happened but also the guilt that as a Christian Im not meant to be depressed – so I have been told. Lack of faith so Im told and I have to say i have heard this school of thought before – I say rubbish – without my faith , without trusting In God, without him firmly by my side I wouldnt be here – simple
Im a lot stronger than I have ever given myself credit for
For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength .
Im back in church , well actually singing in church – which is a scary thought for the congregation – focusing on God , reading my Bible , praying and writing poetry again – all these things are me or part of me – so little steps have almost become a giant leap .
God is good .
Sometimes I wonder will the blustery days ever stop . Will I ever feel as if something lost within me is found again . I feel incomplete. God is here but the connection is lost , my fault I know . He is faithful and just and yet I am not able to feel him . Faith is built within, its not proved by facts and science so why do I feel I know he’s there but ………. I know he made everything , I know he loves us , and I know he made the biggest sacrifice possible – his son but I feel alone . As if all his blessings are for others not for me , I want to reach out and take his hand but I cant find it
This is my very favourite time of year . And the last few days have been everything I love , soft sunshine low in the sky. These warm days are even more special with a crispness about them . All the beautiful colours that only Autumn brings , natures last splash out before winter sets in .
A time to take stock of how the year has been for us and prepare for the winter . Often we do things because we have and feel stuck unable to stop for fear of letting people down , it can be hard to let go of things we have outgrown or that have outgrown us . And as we make these changes its important that the free time we make isn’t pounced on by those eager to fill it for us .
Learning to say no is an important lesson often we learn after many mistakes . The need to feel we have to give a reason means a “No” can become a “maybe” . The not at the moment can become “soon”. And before you know it you are signed up to start helping for a temporary period of time till they get someone permanent . Then you realise 5 years down the line you are still doing it . Wondering “How did that happen ?” Learn to say No graciously and don’t feel justified to give a long list of reasons. An acquaintance give me a piece of advise recently , she never says yes on the spot – even if its ringing back 10 min’s later to say thats fine –
Maybe God wants you to have this space to reflect on him , he will let you know when to start a new journey . Wait with patience to do his bidding and not that of others.
what a beautiful thought , absolute joy and what a beautiful poem !
by James Wright
Just off the highway to Rochester, Minnesota,
Twilight bounds softly forth on the grass.
And the eyes of those two Indian ponies
Darken with kindness.
They have come gladly out of the willows
To welcome my friend and me.
We step over the barbed wire into the pasture
Where they have been grazing all day, alone.
They ripple tensely, they can hardly contain their happiness
That we have come.
They bow shyly as wet swans. They love each other.
There is no loneliness like theirs.
At home once more,
They begin munching the young tufts of spring in the darkness.
I would like to hold the slenderer one in my arms,
For she has walked over to me
And nuzzled my left hand.
She is black and white,
Her mane falls wild on her forehead,
And the light breeze moves me to caress her long ear
That is delicate as the skin over a girl’s wrist.
Suddenly I realize
That if I stepped out of my body I would break