In Pain And Fed Up

Feeling a major attack of panic. Panic that what Im getting involved in is too much, that I wont be able to cope and Im going to let people down.Feeling I didnt act as moderator one the site in the way I should have .Had a meeting last night for YF it starts on Sunday worry about lack of organisation and committment of our leader.Maybe its because I dont feel well and Ive got the most incredible toothache which I may have to put up with ages. I have to be referrred to the school of dentistry and they have to in turn get in touch with my consultant in the Haemophilia ward whch treats my thrombyctapenia. Im on medication for infection around my tooth no sign of improvement and I taking way to many painkillers .

Caught up in the headlights

Not knowing where to run

caught up in the healights

Trying to find a place to hide

Afraid to try

Afraid to fail

I shout “why ! Why me? ”

“ Because I love you , because I care”

God wants me in the sunlight

He wants me to shine

Ano more hiding in dark corners

Always on the run.




Dear FatherPlease take away my doubts
Show trust in your judgement
Fill me with your Holy spirit
Let your spirit shine through



Originally I believed that to forgive someone who had wronged me , meant that first they had to ask for forgiveness. be sorry for they had done. But how often does that happen and in this case it wasn’t likely too.So I carried the hurt around it ate away at me , casting a shadow over everything that was good in my life. I realised that this wasn’t enough and by asking God to help me forgive them it released me from the pain and guilt.Still didn’t feel closure, felt better but still not right. Why ? It wasn’t enough that I had let go of feelings of hate and resentment, it wasn’t enough that I had forgiven . I had to wish them well- Gulp how do I do that ? So hard Once again I wasn’t strong enough om my own, so just as I had prayed Father help me forgive I prayed a new prayer;
Father help me pray for their salvation.
Still I didn’t mean it so still I kept asking for help. There wasn’t a sudden revelation just one day I realised I really did want this person to turn to God and to be saved.

Luke 6:27-28 “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

Romans 12:14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited

Holding on not letting go
Festering not forgiving
Restlessness instead of release
Waste instead of joy
xxx dishywinnie xxx

Rabbit Update

Well we have had Bunny and Pepper 4 weeks now and they are both doing well. Not so nervous and getting quite adventurous when they come into the house.I took them last night for their 2nd vacination . They had their HVD 2 weeks ago and this one was maximatosis. They behaved well but were a little stressed so left them in the box in the livingroom until they came round a bit. The vet bill was £70 Im sure some of you think I mad but we lost suzi and snowflake last year to HVD and I felt so guilty. So decided if we got anymore they would be vacinated.Their growing well and their ears flop nicely now though Bunny is still thinner. I have started buying different food as they refused to eat the pellets that are in most brands, fussy like children. They get a small handful each and lots of hay, carrots and cabbage every day.Litter training was not going well as they where using it and their sleeping quarters. Hopefully now I moved their tray in to their bedroom they`ll behave. The idea is when its very cold in the winter I can bring them into the utility room at night.I`ll save people the trouble of posting how mad I am I know Im daft as a brush

What People See?

Do people see what I see
Do people stop and stare
Do people see the shadow
Still, but lurking there
Do people feel its presence
Its breath upon my neck
Do people hears its footsteps
Quietly , following still
Or do they see God`s holy presence
And feel his warm embrace
Do they hear his loving comments
And sense his helping hands
Do they see his living presence
And see his work in me
Shaping moulding changing
I pray to God they do

August 21 2005

A Hint Of Gods Plan

Isn’t it lovely when you can see a hint of what God intends for you. Sometimes or very often I have doubt if its God giving me direction or if I’m just getting very impatient and making it up as I go along. Recently I have seen opportunities open that A year or two wouldn’t have been possible mostly because I was still in a very unsure place. Some of these doors have been events, some people who have come in to my life and have helped to nudge me along. Some scripture , some of which I have read times before but was empty and without meaning.

James 1:22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

I read this in Oct and when I was realising that my Christian life had become stale. That I was going through the motions doing what I had to do. But now I have a living faith and it is awesome when I feel the power of the Holy Spirit When I thought I couldn’t possible help run a Youth Fellowship or do anything other than make tea at church.

Joshua 10:25 Joshua said to them, “Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the LORD will do to all the enemies you are going to fight.”

It reminded me that I’m not alone that I have God on my side and through him all things are possible.Things are beginning to take form this might change I might be lead elsewhere but I’m learning that I am where God wants me at the moment. Last night a friend gave me this and it has given me such reassurance.

2 Timothy 3:16-17 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work

Casting Aside Self Doubt

Had such a promising meeting last night regarding work within my church have been asked work closely with families. We have arranged some events for the next couple of months. Felt such excitement then came home and was filled with doubts about myself. This is Satan filling my head , he doesnt want me working for the Lord cause he loses. But I have to do whatever I am required by my Father in Heaven . He has always been there for me

I needed Love and you where there
I needed hope and you where there
I needed strength and you where there
Where were you when I failed
Where were you when I Let you down
Where were you when I turned my back
I turn around and still you are there
xxx gil xxx
And I have to trust that if this is the path he intends for me he will give me what I need to learn, grow and change .

Proverbs 3:13-14
Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding,
for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold